It takes a lot for me to care about something. I to this day, do not know what to care for or how to care for it. I really do not think anyone, for that matter, actually knows what the heck they're talking about when they say they "care" for/about something. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why and what is that? Caring, I mean. To me it's a complete foreign subject/matter. Does caring mean to be willing to die for anyone? Or is that just stupid? Is caring a way of expressing how much you adore someone's presence? Or is that just cheesy? See, "caring" is a misconstrued verb meaning "to care for" but it fails to acknowledge what care even is.
Some people may think that I am the stupid one, as when I looked up the word "care" I found myself reading a bunch of bullshit. It's completely confusing. this world, honestly. I know that I am way past the stage of "discovering myself," there is nothing left to discover. The world, however, will always add on new things to discover.
That's it- the people inhabiting this world will never truly understand themselves because they fail to wonder and answer what seems to not be answerable.
(By the way, yes, I have found out what care is, I have indeed answered it for myself. This post has been saved as a draft for several months now and I made myself answer what "to care" is before posting this. Now see if you can answer it for you.)
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Feeling of Numbness
Empty.
That is the feeling of absolute numbness. Empty of touch, empty of confirmation, empty of sense, empty of everything.
Recently I guess I have diagnosed myself with "numbness."
To be numb, as in physically, I know it literally means not being able to feel. However, I feel as though for me, it has taken a different form- it has become more of numbness to feeling, a numbness to emotion, a numbness to everything except for physical touch or pain.
The craving for thrill lives within me now more than ever, because I went skydiving- perhaps one of the most craziest thing I have done to this day in my life. The thrill is a parasite, I swear. And only a few get infected- and those few who do are perhaps the luckiest bastards on this planet (yes, I am being vain and no, I absolutely do not give a shit).
Emotion levels decreasing- thrill levels increasing. This is actually a pretty good stage, not going to lie. Maybe the lack of emotion influences and forces me to go after satisfying my thrill craving.
Whatever this "numbness" is, I think I am very content with it.
Do not be afraid to embrace "numbness," it will not hurt- I can confirm that from my own experience. Making numbness a part of me is what I have been doing for years- the balance between numbness and thrill is what I have needed. Now that the scale is even, I guess I can very confidently state:
I am completely content and happy.
That is the feeling of absolute numbness. Empty of touch, empty of confirmation, empty of sense, empty of everything.
Recently I guess I have diagnosed myself with "numbness."
To be numb, as in physically, I know it literally means not being able to feel. However, I feel as though for me, it has taken a different form- it has become more of numbness to feeling, a numbness to emotion, a numbness to everything except for physical touch or pain.
The craving for thrill lives within me now more than ever, because I went skydiving- perhaps one of the most craziest thing I have done to this day in my life. The thrill is a parasite, I swear. And only a few get infected- and those few who do are perhaps the luckiest bastards on this planet (yes, I am being vain and no, I absolutely do not give a shit).
Emotion levels decreasing- thrill levels increasing. This is actually a pretty good stage, not going to lie. Maybe the lack of emotion influences and forces me to go after satisfying my thrill craving.
Whatever this "numbness" is, I think I am very content with it.
Do not be afraid to embrace "numbness," it will not hurt- I can confirm that from my own experience. Making numbness a part of me is what I have been doing for years- the balance between numbness and thrill is what I have needed. Now that the scale is even, I guess I can very confidently state:
I am completely content and happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)