Riding Generic Waves

The feeling of knowing that I will die sooner than most is a little nerve-wrecking and stressful. I need to do more in a shorter period of time. This illness crap is really not doing a favor when it comes to my whole "living versus existing" theory...

College is okay, I guess. I love my field and that is all that matters, right? I have been doing so much so forgive me for my lack of blogging. Most of what I am doing, my readers will probably find out in the near future.

It is not that I do not wish to settle down, it's more of I cannot- it is simply not possible for me to settle. I need to be constantly on the move; improving, exploring the world, finding meaning for my soul in this universe, all of that jazz... I cannot help but sometimes think that I do not really have a "meaning". 

I cannot help but sometimes think I have no choice but to go with the flow... to ride the generic wave that everyone is riding. Just the thought of that, the thought that I am sometimes NOT flowing AGAINST the current scares me. It depresses me to see people who have a passion but are doing something totally against it in order to ride the generic current (what society accepts). I have no respect for these people, as they are weak and look for the easy way out. After all, it is more difficult to ride against ANY current than to ride through one that everyone else seems to be riding as well.

I am not trying to waste time for myself doing shit that others would want me to do. This thought process is what has, quite honestly, kept me from taking my life. I strive to always take the more difficult route than to go by the common one. Not going to lie at all, this type of lifestyle and thinking is what allows me to differentiate myself from others. It is what I reckon myself. 

Bottom line- I will never be caught riding a generic wave. 

Too Much to Care

It takes a lot for me to care about something. I to this day, do not know what to care for or how to care for it. I really do not think anyone, for that matter, actually knows what the heck they're talking about when they say they "care" for/about something. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why and what is that? Caring, I mean. To me it's a complete foreign subject/matter. Does caring mean to be willing to die for anyone? Or is that just stupid? Is caring a way of expressing how much you adore someone's presence? Or is that just cheesy? See, "caring" is a misconstrued verb meaning "to care for" but it fails to acknowledge what care even is.

Some people may think that I am the stupid one, as when I looked up the word "care" I found myself reading a bunch of bullshit. It's completely confusing. this world, honestly. I know that I am way past the stage of "discovering myself," there is nothing left to discover. The world, however, will always add on new things to discover.
That's it- the people inhabiting this world will never truly understand themselves because they fail to wonder and answer what seems to not be answerable.

(By the way, yes, I have found out what care is, I have indeed answered it for myself. This post has been saved as a draft for several months now and I made myself answer what "to care" is before posting this. Now see if you can answer it for you.)

Feeling of Numbness

Empty.

That is the feeling of absolute numbness. Empty of touch, empty of confirmation, empty of sense, empty of everything.
Recently I guess I have diagnosed myself with "numbness."
To be numb, as in physically, I know it literally means not being able to feel. However, I feel as though for me, it has taken a different form- it has become more of numbness to feeling, a numbness to emotion, a numbness to everything except for physical touch or pain.
The craving for thrill lives within me now more than ever, because I went skydiving- perhaps one of the most craziest thing I have done to this day in my life. The thrill is a parasite, I swear. And only a few get infected- and those few who do are perhaps the luckiest bastards on this planet (yes, I am being vain and no, I absolutely do not give a shit).
Emotion levels decreasing- thrill levels increasing. This is actually a pretty good stage, not going to lie. Maybe the lack of emotion influences and forces me to go after satisfying my thrill craving.
Whatever this "numbness" is, I think I am very content with it.
Do not be afraid to embrace "numbness," it will not hurt- I can confirm that from my own experience. Making numbness a part of me is what I have been doing for years- the balance between numbness and thrill is what I have needed. Now that the scale is even, I guess I can very confidently state:
I am completely content and happy.

The Need is Real

It's not even that I'm searching for the thrill... 

It's as though the thrill and I are like north and south poles of a magnet- we just collide. The thrill is my love, the thrill is my life. 

If I ever were to want to collide with anything, it would be a train or thrill. Being in college has taught me to embrace whatever comes, because whatever comes is never expected. And whatever is expected, never comes. Life has taught me to never expect. What's the point? There is none. The thrill is something that if I don't have it, it's as if I am living for absolutely nothing at all. It's the oxygen to my lungs, it's the morale of my being man....

At times like this when I lack the thrill, I just feel like doing the extreme, no turning back. But I don't know why I don't. Something stops me. Living for the thrill is not an easy lifestyle at all- it's anything but "easy." It's the same as living as a drug addict, really. I constantly need it otherwise I'll just stop one day and collapse. Collapse and never return the same again. This is how I feel now. At this very moment, I feel like if I do not do something thrilling and continue living amongst bores, I will explode. 

Lifestyle No. 2

Put that behind me. 

ॐ

Living is Risky

There's something wrong. I can feel it. I don't know what it is, or why the feeling is even there- but whenever it haunts me, it's the worst thing. I cannot understand it. I feel like I'm dying. In a way, I am though, we all are... We are essentially just living to one day stop existing altogether. 

I do not fear death, I fear living. Living is waking up everyday so happily and so comfortably to one day just wither away- off into wherever, or even worse, nowhere at all. It's not that I sat no pondered this, it's pretty obvious and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has come to this realization. However,  I see it as a positive thing. There is a method behind madness, and life itself is a huge mad mess that we all have been summoned to figure out and endure. I think I've got it down, or I've got down what works for me, at least:

Let me just start off by saying, tomorrow I have a scheduled MRI test being done. Why? I may have some chronic type of disease that runs in the family  and is hereditary, there is no cure, and my great uncle passed away from it at age 35. My grandfather passed away from it at an early age as well...

Life is scary and living is a risk because tomorrow is not guaranteed and I my die in my sleep tonight, who knows. I try to see this as a literal reason to follow the infamous, but mad "live everyday is if it were your last." One day, it will be my last, and I will not even know it. 

It is so important for me no to regret things that are "done" and to only get done what I need to get done.   

With a limited time, every single thing in life becomes a due date. As the rush to get things done is flowing and irreplaceable time is ticking, I just need to remind myself that life is not school, there are no fucking due dates. Goals are not assignments, they are achievements meant to be achieved when deserved. Not when I think I'm ready to win the Nobel Peace Prize or a CFDA Fashion Award, but when I have worked my ass off and deserved to win it, I will. 

The weak believe that they can chase success.

The wise know that success chases their efforts. 

Let the Uncommon Takeover

You can never ever call something "the best" until you've seen it's worst. I never thought my future could have some major downs. But it does. However, I still think it will be the best because it will be whatever I make it to be. There are lots of common things that will definitely be left out of my future, things that would come as top priority to others. Such as friends, love, creating a family, pretty much everything that is the epitome of "happiness" in the eyes of those who depend on everything but themselves for it.

My idea of happiness? It's simple, but yet so complicated to those who follow simple.

The ideal bliss would be everything that is not common:

1) Giving people everything that I have ever owned. Whoever needs it.

2) Make people happier than I have ever been so that I can create happiness because to me, it is not about attaining happiness. It's about creating it, and how much a single soul can create- and how long that created happiness actually lasts. 

3) I need to be alone. Like completely. Not the cat lady stereotype, of course. I'm thinking more like the unattainable, sophisticated, classy, ruthless when it comes to reality and absolutely independent woman. I already have some traits down so it's just certain things I need to obtain. 

4) Mentally, I want to be on top of the world 24/7. (Physically too, actually, because I plan to make the trip up to the summit of Everest before the age of 30.)

These uncommon things that remain in peoples' minds until they start to blame age and start doing the common things is something that I vow to my life, I will not do it. At all. Ever. Life is too empty to be wasting time trying to do common shit that is done on a daily basis. Time for the uncommon to take over.