Dose of Pure Conceited Ecstasy

Warning: If you are not ready to start feeling like you are on an ecstasy-like mode of self-confidence, come back another time.

Okay, so step one on feeling this incredible high is to forget all bullshit. "Bullshit" refers to anything and everything. Your friends, family, professors, classes, assignments, text messages, social media, work schedules, etc. It seems like a lot, and it is, but just try extremely hard to forget all of it. 

(Dude, if you cannot forget 100% of everything above, it's understood, sometimes it is so hard to put oneself ahead of everyone else. Especially, for me, I tend to cater to others before even thinking one bit of myself- just try to take this drug of pure conceited ecstasy.)

Step two: Accept the negatives.

When I take pictures of myself or of anything, I tend to look at all of them and examine all of them, ultimately, the ones that are not up to par with what I would like to see, I simply accept them and my finger glides over the trash can and I delete them without even realizing I have deleted them. 

As parallel to that, my thoughts act the same way. My "flaws, bad pictures, negatives" are so easily looked at, examined, observed, and then accepted and deleted. Now, this does not mean I am erasing my flaws, they just do not remain flaws to me any longer. 

I begin thinking, "so what?" Like I have wide hips, "and?" I am controlling, "so?" I am heartless "your point is?" Like tell me something I DO NOT know sweetheart, because every negative comment anyone has to say about me is not by any means "new" or a "surprise." 

Life is like after watching Wizard of Oz and for the rest of one's life, it is known and acknowledged that the damn wizard is behind the curtain the entire time. 

Sorry, accept that YOU are behind the curtain of your flaws, not anyone else, but YOURSELF.

Now for something more on the "brighter side", step three:

Fall in love... With yourself.

I find it funny, hearing from women seeking a partner say things like "I just want to fall in love with the perfect guy!" Hahaha I'm sorry to say, but how could you ever WANT to fall in love with a guy who you will expect, to love you equally when you do not love you fully?!?! That makes no sense at all. What you all NEED (guy or girl) is to boost yourself up. Start loving YOU. Go into dressing rooms, try stuff on, find something that YOU think looks hot, DO NOT TAKE A PICTURE AND PUT IT ON SOCIAL MEDIA (we are all guilty of this) for the favorites, likes, and comments. Stare at it, stare at YOU. Like god damn, sexy, you are killing it! 

Look, I am not trying to be a party pooper or anything but if you do not love you, nobody will, mark my word.

Love is just like ecstasy, the more you give to yourself, the better you will feel. 

(Just make sure you do not give yourself actual ecstasy, that will just make you feel like a mess.)

Use your mind, upgrade to a better, newer version of you, make things right with yourself. Be humble, stay true to your soul. 

A new post will be up next week- it will be a "keys to happiness" post. 

My Twitter: @BhumikaJ_

Born in the Wrong Era

I LOVE oldies music. I could imagine myself sitting at a bar or lounge, sipping on an extravagant alcoholic drink and just relaxing, meeting new people and vibing to the amazing environment.

Ideal setting: New York City.

 Here's just a list of songs I randomly put together including my fave "ideals". Basically, this is music I could listen to at any time and feel comfortable.

1) "In the Mood"

By: Airmen of Note

2) "Sweet Pea"

By: Amos Lee

3) "Stand By Me"

By: Otis Redding

4) "La Vie En Rose"

By: Louis Armstrong     (any song by Louis Armstrong, for that matter)

5) Absolutely any song by Frank Sinatra. 

6) Any song by Nat King Cole. 

Meditation

This is a series I’m going to do, briefly explaining what goes through my mind after a meditation session. Basically, this will explain how I think and what makes my mind what it is. (Not everything, obviously, but a little something to give readers insight and perhaps, promote/encourage meditation).

It really is crazy, this whole living thing. Sometimes I do not even feel like I am alive.

To be completely honest, I am entirely ready for my funeral. Not even one bit worried. It will be the biggest party of whatever decade it happens to be.

From time to time, there is a sudden realization I get of the world and all living things on it. It may sound insane or just insanely brilliant, you be the judge.

This is what I see-

Nothing but bliss.

This is what I feel-

Nothing but bliss.

I feel like there is nothing stopping me from anything at all. No force could conquer my energy.

Then, on a completely opposite spectrum, I feel like I am being crushed.

Feeling all of this at once is a bit overwhelming and overpowering.

But it was absolutely thrilling.

Meditation does a lot of things but the thing it does for me the most is, it leaves me confused.

Being confused is something I am not really so familiar with.

However, this confusion was the best unknown mental occurrence. My mind was erased for moments which felt like lifetimes and I had to figure everything out, given a limited time…

Hypocrisy is the best policy... Again

It's strange because I came to an ex-friend, if you will, and just realized what a true hypocrite they are.

How the fuck does one claim to be incapable of hatred after saying the three most cruel words, "I hate you"? 

Hahahahaha that's some rotten fruit quality. Hypocrisy is something I hold near and dear; it's something that I cannot really forgive but it is also something I am willing to help others stop doing. I can forgive it if it is not done by someone who says they are "not a hypocrite", meaning that they are. 

A message to all hypocrites:

Please try to find someone or something that can help you. I am always open for listening and helping others come up with a solution.

I do not judge. I simply observe and declare the truth- the truth is always going to be bitter.

I am more than happy to give my time to those who just want to be better- as my goal has always been to give others the world. 

Random Retrospect ||

It felt so surreal here, man. It felt haunting and empty and as much as the emptiness of vast nature scared me, it compelled me to believe that no matter what happens, I will always be on my own. To accept that was challenging and I teared up every mountain peak I went up. The view at the top has to make you cry. Everyone is afraid of being alone, I admit, so was I. But after some time, each peak and each setting of loneliness became familiar and "homey." I felt serene. I felt at peace. I felt as though there was really nothing to worry about in the whole world. Finally, I realized- what creates that sense of peace, serenity and bliss is loneliness. After putting that key in the lock- my thoughts were changed.

I had just found bliss.

My Love Is Work

I never was a fan of attention.

Never have wanted all eyes on me or any of that jazz.

I've always only wanted to be happy.

Attention does not equal happiness. Being recognized and "claiming fame" means nothing to me. That is just simply not my goal. As a designer it may seem a bit odd but I never got into the whole "I want everyone wearing my stuff" line that I hear in fashion school. It is not about how many people like it but more about who likes it. I want people to wear and treat my clothing as works of art. I am not trying to go into mass production. Nor am I trying to have my dress on the cover of Vogue. I am simply trying to create something new, something worth the wait, something so outstanding that it will catch people's genuine attention. 

Rather than marketing my apparel by hiring the trendiest celebrity name to wear my garments, I want for people to see my garments on a blank mannequin and just be drawn to it instantly. 

I do not need attention man, it is not necessary for me. I know that my work is great. The visions I have and the effort I have put, along with the good karma I have raised only empowers me to ride against the generic wave. 

I get so many ideas and so little of them are known by others. My family, my friends, nobody is aware of what is constantly going on in my mind. I do not need them to. For what? So that I can have eternal support? No. I am not looking for attention out of obligation. I am looking for true amazement. I do not expect anyone to like what I create or to dislike what I create. The opinion of that is on them- upon seeing what it is I have to create.

My love is work.

Random Retrospect

As many of you may know, I am not so fond of being on my phone. I am not Twitter famous, I do not have a Tumblr or Instagram. My Facebook is made for family and close friends. So I never really get the chance to scroll through my phone (pictures, texts, contacts, etc). So when I do, I guess I just now decided to simply post some interesting pics from my past.

 

I don't know- it's random but it's cool.

Smiling for me. 

Yup, I was mini- Lilo. Ohana.

Retail therapy is very much a thing. 

Everything is your fault

Sad? It's your fault.

Mad? It's your fault.

Happy? It's your fault.

These are the words and one of many mantras I chant on an everyday basis. It is not that these words give me power- it is that these words speak nothing but clear truth. Everything I do or feel is a reflection of me. I am the cause of my pain, my fury, and my joy.

I guess one could say, I am kind of in a relationship with myself. I have the power to keep myself overjoyed and blissful at all times simply by choosing the correct lens and perspective to see the world around me. At the same time, I have the power to corrupt myself with anger and sorrow. 

What is not needed, should not stay. And it is my job to get rid of it. Many people these days put a negative connotation to the words "get rid of"... But what if you're getting rid of cancerous cells? What if you're getting rid of what is holding you back? What if you are just simply trying to get rid of all the worthless junk which means absolutely nothing to you anymore, in order to create room for something that is worth storing forever?

I really want to have a huge library in my house someday. With all of my favorite stories and not-so-favorite stories from both my childhood and adolescence to my adulthood. It is sometimes important to show what your opinions and beliefs consist of. By keeping books I liked alongside keeping books I did not like, I can demonstrate that I have the power to throw any or all of it away at any time; just to buy more books, new books that I can read and grow a fondness for. 

Everything is my fault. And I have the power to get rid of whatever I do not need. 

What Can They Do?

Haters can only bring success.

Success is passion- not desire.

Desire what you need to be happy.

Happiness comes when you make effort to attain it.

It is never acceptable to envy.

Envy leads to anger and an envious angry person will never prosper.

Prosper through the right thing and prosper through it the right way.

Way too many people speak without thinking or react without understanding.

Understanding through assumption will get nobody anywhere.

Anywhere you go, remember that to many, hypocrisy is the best policy; those people are too weak to do what they claim to believe and so they put on a persona that they are strong when clearly, they are cowards.

Cowards never prevail. They hate and intend to destroy and their purpose is always to exceed others because they are afraid of embracing failure and flaws.

Flaws make perfection.

Perfection comes by embracing flaws and having originality.

Originality comes from you being you.

You are a product of your reaction to haters.

Haters can only bring success. 

Before Blame

Before blaming others, open your fucking eyes? In some cases, it is not even required to open one's mind. The solution is often times found in a mirror.

Before threatening to "fuck up someone's career", how about working towards your own? How about not being a hater and creating your own success? I cannot say this enough, all negative energy is created through one's OWN MIND; not your mother's, not your father's, not your partner's, YOURS.

How about being a lion and not losing sleep over the opinion of sheep? Keep this in mind at all time, folks. I will always think sheep are pathetic when I encounter. I will not even bother to try and play predator- even if I am hungry. I will just let it go because sheep will only listen to and worry about other sheep. Lions have more to be concerned with.

Before telling me not to do something, make sure that you know that I will always do the opposite of what I am told.

Fight your own battles like a lion and stop asking sheep to do the job. Because guess what? Weak.

And also guess what? You are the sheep. 

Pathetic. 

Are You What You Believe?

Those who make it seem like they are one thing turn out to be something completely different. Take a minute. Look at yourself. Think about what you represent. If the answer is anything besides yourself, that is a major problem. Stop hiding. Embrace your flaws. 

Do not feel down if someone says something to you directly. It's for you to take in and fix. If your reaction tends to be that of anger and emotion, that may be because you have not figured yourself yet. It is unfortunate, but sometimes a person will never find oneself and they will continue going along life thinking and acting as if they have so much self-knowledge. In these cases, I personally just let them go. Not because I am evil or arrogant or selfish- but because I simply cannot help anymore and I know that nobody can help these individuals. They must help themselves. Figure it out on their own. Others can only do so much for a person before they have to step up and go about figuring out their soul on their own. 

Some questions that I often find myself asking are:

1) What do other people think they are? As in, what status do they see themselves as?

2) Why do people say a preach a belief and then sin towards the same thing?

Don't preach and sin about your own beliefs. If you say "I believe in karma" and then use the word "hate" or wish poorly upon someone, what does that say about YOU? How are YOU the one who gets good out of this? Oh yeah, you do not. Simple. 

3) Why do people not make sense of everything they say?

If you heard yourself and you would not be able to make sense of what the fuck you were saying, how can you expect others to do so...?

Recently I have experienced loss and just utter failure. In the end, I know for a damn fact that loss is not my fault not my problem. The words chosen and the actions taken up to support those words/actions did not satisfy me or my soul. The reaction most definitely did not satisfy my beliefs- everything I had ever seen had been diminished. For that, I had to let go. 

Seasons

People are put in our lives for a season- when the season is over, it simply is done. A new season will come. The new season does not necessarily have to be a replacement- it can be a new chapter. 

It is so important to let things go, dude. So so important. LET THAT SHIT GO. It is not worth it to hang on to a rotten fruit. It is not worth it to feel sorry or sympathetic. I have learned to never sell myself short of people and of situations. Bigger and better things are always waiting and the reason why some believe that there is nothing better left to be discovered, it's because they have not let go of regrets and of people. 

Hate is a strong word, folks. I do everything in my power to avoid using the word "hate" towards anything living. Sure, I will sometimes slip and say "I hate those shoes" or something but those shoes are not living SOOO it doesn't really matter. 

The biggest flaw I have ever seen in human beings is that of being easily influenced. I feel as those human beings are most pathetic and are creating the most karma for themselves. Those humans are weak and just simply not  ready for bliss. They, themselves, have created false beliefs of something which has no proof or logic. I find it funny when people tend to "hate" on me. A "hater" is only a hater once they have told you that they hate you. Once a hater, always a hater. And I will never see them as anything else.

So long to seasons. They come and go. Just like people. We all need to just learn to let that shit go and move on.  

Tell yourself "is it really worth my soul's time to address this bullshit?" And with that, say goodnight and go into your dreams and follow them. Make them real. My love is work. It always has. Always will be. 

Ode to the Oblivious Man

It's fucking mind blowing how stupid humans are. It never fails to amuse me how we make the same mistakes and do not learn from them, only to spit lies on social networks like "I learn from my life lessons" and all that bullshit. Ha. Most of the people I see or encounter tell me that they have changed their lives or that they have somehow "become a better person".

For example: I once met a girl who said she always used to tease people when she was a kid and she claimed to have learned her lesson later on in life when she was consistently taunted about her weight that she had gained. Now, she said, she tries to think about what impact her words would have on people. I asked her what she wants to do with her life. She said she wants to be a beauty pageant judge. 

Wow, I thought- your career demands you to judge people based on appearance, what lesson have you even learned? Certainly not a logical one. She was so passionate about what she wanted too, it was insane to see. So oblivious of the fact that she was committing the same crime for which she was punished and claimed she "learned her lesson". 

Often times we are so oblivious of things that we even forget what comes out of our mouth as it runs past our minds and straight out into open air where it then becomes a lie.

Don't lie to yourself. Think. Learn. Accept. THEN teach. 

Riding Generic Waves

The feeling of knowing that I will die sooner than most is a little nerve-wrecking and stressful. I need to do more in a shorter period of time. This illness crap is really not doing a favor when it comes to my whole "living versus existing" theory...

College is okay, I guess. I love my field and that is all that matters, right? I have been doing so much so forgive me for my lack of blogging. Most of what I am doing, my readers will probably find out in the near future.

It is not that I do not wish to settle down, it's more of I cannot- it is simply not possible for me to settle. I need to be constantly on the move; improving, exploring the world, finding meaning for my soul in this universe, all of that jazz... I cannot help but sometimes think that I do not really have a "meaning". 

I cannot help but sometimes think I have no choice but to go with the flow... to ride the generic wave that everyone is riding. Just the thought of that, the thought that I am sometimes NOT flowing AGAINST the current scares me. It depresses me to see people who have a passion but are doing something totally against it in order to ride the generic current (what society accepts). I have no respect for these people, as they are weak and look for the easy way out. After all, it is more difficult to ride against ANY current than to ride through one that everyone else seems to be riding as well.

I am not trying to waste time for myself doing shit that others would want me to do. This thought process is what has, quite honestly, kept me from taking my life. I strive to always take the more difficult route than to go by the common one. Not going to lie at all, this type of lifestyle and thinking is what allows me to differentiate myself from others. It is what I reckon myself. 

Bottom line- I will never be caught riding a generic wave. 

Too Much to Care

It takes a lot for me to care about something. I to this day, do not know what to care for or how to care for it. I really do not think anyone, for that matter, actually knows what the heck they're talking about when they say they "care" for/about something. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why and what is that? Caring, I mean. To me it's a complete foreign subject/matter. Does caring mean to be willing to die for anyone? Or is that just stupid? Is caring a way of expressing how much you adore someone's presence? Or is that just cheesy? See, "caring" is a misconstrued verb meaning "to care for" but it fails to acknowledge what care even is.

Some people may think that I am the stupid one, as when I looked up the word "care" I found myself reading a bunch of bullshit. It's completely confusing. this world, honestly. I know that I am way past the stage of "discovering myself," there is nothing left to discover. The world, however, will always add on new things to discover.
That's it- the people inhabiting this world will never truly understand themselves because they fail to wonder and answer what seems to not be answerable.

(By the way, yes, I have found out what care is, I have indeed answered it for myself. This post has been saved as a draft for several months now and I made myself answer what "to care" is before posting this. Now see if you can answer it for you.)

Feeling of Numbness

Empty.

That is the feeling of absolute numbness. Empty of touch, empty of confirmation, empty of sense, empty of everything.
Recently I guess I have diagnosed myself with "numbness."
To be numb, as in physically, I know it literally means not being able to feel. However, I feel as though for me, it has taken a different form- it has become more of numbness to feeling, a numbness to emotion, a numbness to everything except for physical touch or pain.
The craving for thrill lives within me now more than ever, because I went skydiving- perhaps one of the most craziest thing I have done to this day in my life. The thrill is a parasite, I swear. And only a few get infected- and those few who do are perhaps the luckiest bastards on this planet (yes, I am being vain and no, I absolutely do not give a shit).
Emotion levels decreasing- thrill levels increasing. This is actually a pretty good stage, not going to lie. Maybe the lack of emotion influences and forces me to go after satisfying my thrill craving.
Whatever this "numbness" is, I think I am very content with it.
Do not be afraid to embrace "numbness," it will not hurt- I can confirm that from my own experience. Making numbness a part of me is what I have been doing for years- the balance between numbness and thrill is what I have needed. Now that the scale is even, I guess I can very confidently state:
I am completely content and happy.

The Need is Real

It's not even that I'm searching for the thrill... 

It's as though the thrill and I are like north and south poles of a magnet- we just collide. The thrill is my love, the thrill is my life. 

If I ever were to want to collide with anything, it would be a train or thrill. Being in college has taught me to embrace whatever comes, because whatever comes is never expected. And whatever is expected, never comes. Life has taught me to never expect. What's the point? There is none. The thrill is something that if I don't have it, it's as if I am living for absolutely nothing at all. It's the oxygen to my lungs, it's the morale of my being man....

At times like this when I lack the thrill, I just feel like doing the extreme, no turning back. But I don't know why I don't. Something stops me. Living for the thrill is not an easy lifestyle at all- it's anything but "easy." It's the same as living as a drug addict, really. I constantly need it otherwise I'll just stop one day and collapse. Collapse and never return the same again. This is how I feel now. At this very moment, I feel like if I do not do something thrilling and continue living amongst bores, I will explode. 

Lifestyle No. 2

Put that behind me. 

ॐ

Living is Risky

There's something wrong. I can feel it. I don't know what it is, or why the feeling is even there- but whenever it haunts me, it's the worst thing. I cannot understand it. I feel like I'm dying. In a way, I am though, we all are... We are essentially just living to one day stop existing altogether. 

I do not fear death, I fear living. Living is waking up everyday so happily and so comfortably to one day just wither away- off into wherever, or even worse, nowhere at all. It's not that I sat no pondered this, it's pretty obvious and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has come to this realization. However,  I see it as a positive thing. There is a method behind madness, and life itself is a huge mad mess that we all have been summoned to figure out and endure. I think I've got it down, or I've got down what works for me, at least:

Let me just start off by saying, tomorrow I have a scheduled MRI test being done. Why? I may have some chronic type of disease that runs in the family  and is hereditary, there is no cure, and my great uncle passed away from it at age 35. My grandfather passed away from it at an early age as well...

Life is scary and living is a risk because tomorrow is not guaranteed and I my die in my sleep tonight, who knows. I try to see this as a literal reason to follow the infamous, but mad "live everyday is if it were your last." One day, it will be my last, and I will not even know it. 

It is so important for me no to regret things that are "done" and to only get done what I need to get done.   

With a limited time, every single thing in life becomes a due date. As the rush to get things done is flowing and irreplaceable time is ticking, I just need to remind myself that life is not school, there are no fucking due dates. Goals are not assignments, they are achievements meant to be achieved when deserved. Not when I think I'm ready to win the Nobel Peace Prize or a CFDA Fashion Award, but when I have worked my ass off and deserved to win it, I will. 

The weak believe that they can chase success.

The wise know that success chases their efforts. 

Let the Uncommon Takeover

You can never ever call something "the best" until you've seen it's worst. I never thought my future could have some major downs. But it does. However, I still think it will be the best because it will be whatever I make it to be. There are lots of common things that will definitely be left out of my future, things that would come as top priority to others. Such as friends, love, creating a family, pretty much everything that is the epitome of "happiness" in the eyes of those who depend on everything but themselves for it.

My idea of happiness? It's simple, but yet so complicated to those who follow simple.

The ideal bliss would be everything that is not common:

1) Giving people everything that I have ever owned. Whoever needs it.

2) Make people happier than I have ever been so that I can create happiness because to me, it is not about attaining happiness. It's about creating it, and how much a single soul can create- and how long that created happiness actually lasts. 

3) I need to be alone. Like completely. Not the cat lady stereotype, of course. I'm thinking more like the unattainable, sophisticated, classy, ruthless when it comes to reality and absolutely independent woman. I already have some traits down so it's just certain things I need to obtain. 

4) Mentally, I want to be on top of the world 24/7. (Physically too, actually, because I plan to make the trip up to the summit of Everest before the age of 30.)

These uncommon things that remain in peoples' minds until they start to blame age and start doing the common things is something that I vow to my life, I will not do it. At all. Ever. Life is too empty to be wasting time trying to do common shit that is done on a daily basis. Time for the uncommon to take over.